Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. – Dale Carnegie
Habit, routine, pattern, a custom to, mannerism, disposition, ways, second nature, normal… these are words that I used to describe my days and at the same time excuse them. For example, it was just my routine to get up, drink coffee, squeeze in two episodes of whatever show I was binge watching, get dressed, go to work, come home, be too tired to cook, pour myself a drink, watch two more episodes of the show I was binge watching, sleep and repeat.
I never went anywhere. For a solid year, I only left my house to go to work and Harris Teeter. If it’s true that we are what we repeatedly do, then I had become a transformer named Amazon Prime. For excitement, I would re-watch Game of Thrones, window shop on amazon, and have Alexa tell me a joke every hour. One time, I actually watched Downton Abbey for 3 days straight and developed a British accent that scared the hell out of my English Bulldogs! “Louis, get your bloody paws off the furniture!”
I got really good at golf during this time. XBOX Golf. I was the best driver in three counties. My husband and I would have golf-offs almost every day of the week. On the weekends- forget about it! It was tournament time. We were playing 3 and 4 rounds of 18 holes, crushing records with -17 unders, and hitting hole in ones screaming, “Tiger who?”
This might be a good time to introduce my partner in 9, (see what I did there! That’s golf slang referencing the first 9 holes on a golf course 🙂 Michael Spencer is my husband for close to two decades now! For most of our marriage, he has been either deployed as a soldier in the United States Army, or deployed as a civilian contractor. This means, that for the last 16 years, we have only actually, lived together for approximately 10! All you soldier’s wives, oil field wives, truckers’ wives, and any other my man works away wives know exactly what that’s like! And you also know what it’s like when they come home!
For me,when Mike’s coming home after he’s been gone for a while, I am super excited! I clean the house really well. I buy a new outfit. I grocery shop for an extravagant meal that I imagine he has been longing for the whole time he was gone. Something that he really likes when I cook. ” God, Natalie makes the best spaghetti,” I imagine him saying. “I just can’t wait to get home!”
I race to the airport to pick him up. I sit impatiently in the long line of cars with other people waiting for their loved ones. I look anxiously for him in the crowds of people exiting through those sliding doors. And every time I spot him walking out from baggage claim, I swear a Peter Cetera song plays in my head. He’s walking towards me in slow motion and all I hear is “I am the man, who will fight for your honor…”
If you can’t tell I am really in love with Michael Spencer. I love my husband so much that I like to say his full name so the image of him lingers in my head just a little bit longer. Now, just for the record, as I’m writing this, he’s been gone at work for 3 months. It’s fair to say that if I were recording this story say 2 months after he’s been home, I may just be referring to him as Mike.
But I digress! Let’s get back to the black year. This was the year that I was confined to my house because I had lost every ounce of confidence that I ever had. This is the year that safe routines, mundane patterns, and bad habits had become our new norm. I look back on it now and have a hard time reconciling how unbelievably hard life can be.
One day, I woke up and decided that enough was enough. Mike had just left for 5 months and I was alone with my dogs. My 21 year old daughter was away at college. My 15 year old daughter had a school and social life that was hard to keep track of. I saw more of her on Instagram than I did at the house. To quote a popular 90’s rap song, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to figure something out quickly!
You would think that spending that much time with yourself would give you some really keen insights into who you are and what you needed to do to motivate yourself. Philosophy 101- Know thyself. Sure, I knew some things about me, like how much I loved spaghetti. I knew that I was terrified of bugs and I also knew that I would never live down the one time that I high- fived a priest during confession (I’ll explain that later:) But I didn’t know myself well enough to know what would pull me out of the dark!
What I needed was a real kick in the pants. I used to be the girl that could walk in anywhere by herself. I used to be the girl who wore heels for sport. I used to be the girl with dreams, and friends, and ambition, and a surprisingly quick witted sense of humor. I used to be so certain about my abilities as a mom and a wife. I kicked ass in my career and by 28, was at the top of my company. But, somewhere along the way, I had given up on myself. Confidence was a distant memory. It was a word that people used to use to describe me.
My first breakthrough outing was when I went to New York to meet my girlfriends to celebrate us all turning 40! This is where I also met Otto, the bartender that gave me life advice without even knowing it! (read blog entry Where No Natalie Spencer Has Gone Before to get the deats on Otto and the ingredients to Purpose 🙂. It was after this trip that I came home and decided, to make new habits, and routines, and friends, and goals, and healthy choices that would not only get me out of my funk, but would build my confidence back to its former glory and guide me to a higher purpose. That’s where I knew I had to start. Confidence.
OK, so how do you build confidence? Google told me that I should make lists of my strengths and achievements, think positively about myself, reduce my stress levels, and pay special attention to my personal hygiene. Um, can I just state here that my entire quest to build confidence was in order to be able to recognize my strengths and achievements so I could think positively about myself and reduce my stress levels all the while smelling good! Tell me how to do it GOOGLE!!!
Since I could not find a manual with step by step instructions on how to build confidence, I took the advice instructed to me through a multitude of self help books I had been reading and I made a plan. I began writing a list of confidence boosters, or CBs. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, these were all the things that I’ve always wanted to do or used to do and wanted to get back to. I wrote with the same fever that Jerry Mcguire had when he wrote his mission statement that got him fired. I complied a list of CBs that looked so amazing and at the same time , super scary. I found myself walking around the living room, looking at my dogs asking, ‘Who’s coming with me?”
So here is my starter list of confidence boosters. Some of them may seem silly and simple but to me, they are all a very big step to feeling something new and exciting. I look at this list and feel a little intimidated. Some seem easy and some seem down right impossible! I am sharing them here because I feel like once they’re out there, they must be committed to!
I hope this inspires you to start your own list of CBs (confidence boosters!) Get out there and just do it! My list actually grows every day. No more excuses. Now that I put this list out there, there’s no more hiding in these walls on Surrey Rd. As I write this, I have only checked a few things off of the list, but I feel the difference already when I look in the mirror. “I see you girl! I see the old you and the you you’re destined to be! ”
My rough draft of CB’s (confidence boosters)
- running (see i am a runner)
- salsa dancing
- regular dancing (I really enjoy dancing 🙂
- eating at new restaurants
- making friends
- painting
- taking pictures of myself
- growing exotic tropical plants
- serving food at a soup kitchen
- singing in the church choir
- swimming (like in a bathing suit)
- zip line
- a sandals vacation
- gratitude letters
- kayaking at the Biltmore
- going to the dentist
- participating somehow in a marathon
- skeet shooting
- drive a convertible
- blogging
- going to the dog park, (are my dogs dog park worthy?)
- stamps on my passport (other than Canada)
- public parking
- public speaking
- living up to my car’s potential
- and anything else that makes my stomach have butterflies with wonder and anticipation 😉