Where No Natalie Spencer has Gone Before…

I fell into a funk a few years ago. I can’t quite put my finger on when or why it happened, I just know that one day I was 33 and the next, I was about to turn 40. I’d like to think that those lost years were my Disney Princess years. You know, where I bit into the apple and got to sleep in a beautiful glass box while awaiting the arrival of true love’s kiss to pull me from the vortex of the mundane everyday.

I know how corny this sounds. In fact, if Michael Spencer (my phenomenal husband of 16 years) is reading this, know that true love, in my Disney Princess story, means a purpose. I didn’t know it yet, but I was in search of something. Something that moved me. Something that I really wanted to do, or be, or better yet, become. Something that awakened me. But, like a lot of princesses before me, sleeping in a glass box with the perfect shade of lipstick, waiting for something to come to me instead of doing the work to find out exactly what my True Love was, was just easier.

I’ve been trying to remember where I was when I bit into that apple and laid down for the long nap. What was I doing? What was I thinking about? What was I wearing? When did I give up and become okay with meritocracy?

These last years have been a haze. Even though they have included some milestones in my life like moving a few times, buying a business, sending my oldest daughter to college, buying another business, acquiring two extra dogs (we’ll discuss this later), etc. I was really just going through the motions. I did the same things over and over again. I wore the same black clothes. I ate the same food. I carried the same extra 50 pounds that I picked up while sleeping in that box. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I tried the same quick fixes. I watched the same shows. I saw the same people. I became a connoisseur of various whiskeys. I retreated into my house and bought into the “good enough” mentality.

I remember where I was when I woke up. It wasn’t True Love that kissed me. It wasn’t a romantic scene at all. In fact, it was more like someone trying to resuscitate me. Someone or something, put those electrical paddles on my chest and screamed, “CLEAR!” I was in Manhattan on 42nd street, at a hotel bar looking out the window at Grand Central Terminal when the bar tender asked me what I wanted. “What do I want?” I asked, confused. (Ok pause- seriously? He was clearly asking what I wanted to drink. But at the time, I swear that Otto was judging me. It was his tone and the way he was looking at me. Paranoia is a HUGE side effect of that poisonous apple) I looked back out the window at all the people coming in and out of Grand Central Station. I was sure they knew what they wanted. “Purpose Otto,” I answered. “I want Purpose.”

What Otto said next changed my life. His response sent electrical waves through my chest to my heart that caused me to sit up and take a huge, gasping breath. “Sure,” he said. “What’s in that?”

What’s in that? I know what you’re thinking. It’s something along the lines of WTF Natalie, are you serious? Some bar tender named Otto asked you what was in Purpose, something he clearly thought was a fancy drink , and you went all life changing moment on him?!! I did. I went all life changing moment on Otto. I looked at him strangely at first. All squinty eyed and in disbelief that he didn’t know that I was being philosophical. I thought he was being a smart ass. And after what seemed like FOREVER, I answered him with a smug grin. “Otto, it’s Maker’s on the rocks with a slice of orange.”

Purpose- what’s in that? I thought about that over and over again. What was in it? What did it look like? What did it feel like? I looked it up in the dictionary trying to find the answer. Purpose- n. the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. A person’s sense of resolve or determination. I realized that I had lost mine. Somewhere, on the side of the road, my resolve, my determination, my purpose lay buried beneath years of complacency.

I have spent the past few months waking up and in search for something to get my purpose back. Something that could give me such determination and resolve that I could actually live each day and work to manifest things in my life that would allow me to have purpose and feel great and alive and most of all, AWAKE!

I started walking. I started meditating. I started forcing myself to get out of my house. I started going to marketing groups and parties, and plays, and Drag Queen Shows! With the search of purpose, came confidence. All of these things that I was forcing myself to do gave me a sense of confidence again and I started feeling great!! I felt so good in fact, that I decided to work on my confidence muscle with exercises that would help to build my faith and belief in myself. I made a list of things that I always wanted to do, or used to enjoy doing and decided that I would do them! Since blogging was on that list, I decided to blog about my journey!

This blog is about where no Natalie Spencer has gone before! I am on a quest to build confidence. I am building my swag, my bounce, my faith, my dreams, and my damn nerve! I am setting an example for my daughters and making my husband proud. And I hope along the way, I can inspire others to come out of their Disney Princess fog! Let’s work on being our own Otto! The answer to the question, “What do you want?” will always be “SURE!” and together, we can find out what’s in that!